my mood diary..

19 Jan 2009

haiz...
i'm getting more n more depress n confused..
i dunno wut should i do...

today after work..tot wanna workout..after changing..
haiz..no mood to workout liao..
run like hell..also cant make the sadness in my heart away..

ended up..go back to the changing room..
hugging my bag..
think back the incident tat make me so sad..
my tears started to roll down... :'(

i squat down in front of my locker..
n keep crying..
while there's so many ppl passing by...
guess everyone is thinking..wut happened to this gal...

i am really sad..
thinking why am i crying..
besides than cry..wut else i can do..?!

suddenly..my blade dropped out from my bag..
it makes me think back..my last time..dat i used to do so..
i cut my wrist whenever i'm sad..
in my mind..how much i hope dat my sadness will go away as my wrist bleeding with all the blood roll down...

but.. this time i din do so..
dunno wut makes me stop doing this..
maybe think back my childishness for doing so..
coz..its doesn't help..if i do so..
but.i really dunno..how long i can hold for not doing this...

i hate myself for being so emotional..!
i hate myself for dunno how to control my emotion..
i hate myself for being so useless..
i hate myself for being so terrible..
i hate to noe dat i'm nothing, compared with others....

wut should i do?!

wut can i do?!?

i really cant hold anymore..
run toward the running machine n speed up n try to run,run n run..
but its still no help..
stopped the machine..
run out of fitness first..
to cool myself down..

after awhile..
i back to FF..
to bath..
wishing to wash away my sadness..
wash away the pain of my heart..
i still remember how hot the water i put..
my skin n face was so red..n pain actually..
but..my sadness still with me...

I'm sad..!!
I'm depress..!!
I'm confused..!!
I'm dying.............


i need help.....



-waikuen-